Jomo is a clinical social worker and couple and family therapist.He is in private practice where he consults with individuals, couples, and families. He is a Clinical Fellow and Supervisor Candidate in the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and is pursuing certification to become an emotionally focused couple therapist. Also he is a clinical consultant with several local organisations and he supervises several early-career clinicians on the island interested in relational and systemic practice

An entire year with a significant number of restrictions related to the coronavirus pandemic has been a long haul. It has taken a toll on many of us, leaving us exhausted. No one could have imagined a year later that our lives would be still in so much flux. The possibility of becoming infected has put our bodies on high vigilance; this high vigilance for nearly a year has left us weary. The pandemic has, of course, disrupted many other parts of our lives, including family, school, work, and play.

A reoccurring theme that I have heard in many conversations with family, friends, and clients is how long can I physically and mentally keep this up. Persons have discussed reaching their limit and not being sure where to pull the remainder of their energy. Such a theme is, of course, consistent with living through a disorienting time and having to muster up so much physical and mental energy to survive. An important question is how do we continue to move forward and do all the things that remain important in our lives.

One important thing to do is to normalise and validate the feelings that we have reached our limit. From a biological perspective, our fight or flight system has been put on high alert, occurring for a sustained period. Therefore, it makes absolute sense to feel exhausted. Just acknowledging our experience can help us become aware of our physical and emotional existence. This awareness can help us in various moments to go a little slower, breathe more deeply, monitor what we eat, be aware of what we drink and how much we drink, and recognise how much sleep we are getting. Consciously, doing some of these things can help reduce that fight or flight response and help restore the physical and mental energy we need to utilise daily.

We are relational systems which, to survive, must receive inputs from others. We will engage with various people and information resources, receiving an assortment of feedback; some of this feedback can help sustain us. Some can re-activate our fight or flight response system and drain us. These inputs include the news, and with the current glut of stories about increased infection rates and second and third waves, we can get re-activated. It is crucial to choose what we will watch and consume.

From an input perspective, it is also essential to consider our conversations; if there is someone we talk to that leaves us feeling depleted, it might be helpful to reduce the regularity of these conversations. It is also beneficial that as we engage family and friends, we choose what we will discuss. These conversations include the things that make us hopeful and reminds us about what we can appreciate.

We will need to be active in reaching out to others for input and beneficial emotional sustenance. When we are tired, this might seem complicated, but a quick call, WhatsApp or email message can be a helpful fill-up when we are struggling. As we reach out to others, we also encourage reciprocation from friends and family who might also be struggling. As social and emotional creatures, when we soften our voice, slow our speech, and accept and validate a loved one’s feelings, we encourage a robust co-regulation process that calms both ourselves and the other person.

In the face of something massive enough to assault global public health, going tiny is particularly valuable. Going small includes focusing on the little things we have some power over. These include being able to go for a walk or run, catch a TV show, read a book, cook a meal or anything else that gives us some pleasure. I grew up hearing those little things add up. Recognising what we can control can provide us with a renewed sense of competence and agency to face the things that we have no control over, like the vagaries of living during a pandemic.

To survive this long haul, we will need to normalise and validate our feelings when we have reached our limit. It will be essential to choose inputs that sustain us by monitoring our conversations and the information that we consume and being conscious about providing and receiving emotional sustenance from others. Finally, it is vital to go small and recognise the little things that we can control and that matter. Recognising what we can control can energise us to face the things that will be difficult to manage.

Jomo Phillips, MSSW-MFT (Clinical Fellow, AAMFT), Couple & Family Therapist/Clinical Social Worker, Email: jomo@therelationalpractices.com